Taking Care

Have you ever been in trouble with a friend for not doing enough for them?  I'll give you an extreme example.  I had a roommate in college that was insanely needy.  I happened to live her when my mom died.  A few weeks later she freaked out and started yelling and crying about how I'd changed, and I wasn't there for her anymore.  About how selfish I was being.  Crazy right?  I feel like it was fair to be taking care of me at that point. 

While less extreme I feel as though I've been in similar situations since then.  The friend that is mad that I'm not checking in on them everyday.  But maybe they forgot it's the ten year anniversary of losing mom,  maybe they don't know I reinjured my bad arm and am in constant pain,  maybe they don't know I'm closing on a multi-million dollar project at work this week. And maybe through all of that I've had the worst/weirdest stomach pains of my life. 

And maybe other people around me have babies dying,  and mom's dying, and husband's deployed, and friends threatening suicide, and cancer diagnosis, just to name a few.  Life is hard from time to time. We all have our somethings. I wish we didn't, but we do. 

It's ok to take time for yourself.  I know we are supposed to forget ourselves and go to work.  But sometimes we need to think of ourselves, take time to heal our hearts,  be selfish for a moment. If you don't take care of yourself then there might not be much left to share with others.

If someone isn't "there for you" exactly how you expect them to be and exactly on your time table,  it doesn't mean they don't wish they could be. It doesn't mean they don't love you and aren't giving you everything they are capable of.

We can't expect even our best friends to know how and when to help if we don't tell them.  If I don't know you need help how can I give it?  Even if what you are going through appears on the surface to be something I might be an expert in,  like losing a mom, it doesn't mean I have any idea how to help you.  I have to tell even my best friend "my heart is hurting because of this and I need you to talk it through with me." Or "can you just put your arms around me for a minute?"

We all have our days,  and weeks, and months of rough patches. Let's be gentle with each other.  Tell people when we need help and what flavor of help we need. 

Goodnight

As I lay in bed tonight I've been reflecting on this night ten years ago.  It was the last time I spoke with my mom.  It was so normal,  so warm and happy, so comfortable.

"I love you,  goodnight."

I was so secure in that love, so confident in myself because of it. How grateful I am to have been born of goodly parents, who gave me so much love.  Through that love came confidence, testimony, trust, independence, security, and the ability to become Annie. Just Annie, and know that it is enough. 

"I love you too, mom. We'll talk in the morning."

Weak Stomach

I have the weakest stomach when it comes to smells. SO bad. Tonight I was getting into the car and saw dog droppings in the yard.  I gagged for like two minutes. (I'm going to be bad at growing babies).

"Of all the things I love about you, your gag reflex might be my favorite." ~Kayla

Bank Boyfriend 2.0

I quit Wells Fargo bank years ago. I am almost certain Satan is the proprietor of that banking institution. However, my new fabulous company banks there and I have to take large checks in for deposit. WE build VERY nice homes and so I deposit VERY large checks semi frequently.

I was starting to be recognized when I went into the bank. Then one day I arrived at the counter and one of the managers was at the counter. He wanted to be all professional and call to verify every check I had over 25,000. I stood there forever thinking, "doesn't he know who I am?" I know, I'm that girl now. He wasn't very nice and I could tell you the entire story here, but my fingers are still taped together and typing is hard #firstworldproblems, I know.

Anyway, When I made it back to the office I told the boss men I didn't like how I was treated. A call was made and now every time I walk in they greet me by name and I get the royal treatment. There is one teller in particular who makes extra strides with me and we like to chat and laugh together. I may have developed a small crush on him.

So obviously I was trying to facebook stalk him. I tried finding him by looking up his branch. I was hoping that maybe someone with his first named would have liked the branch and then I'd be able to figure out who he was and stalk him.

I laughed out loud when I saw this. No one likes Wells Fargo, that seems about right.

I finally found him yesterday and Sam and I stalked him. He is perfect: LDS, likes the Institute at the U, Profile picture with his adorable mom, picture of him sailing. Guys he is probably the love of my life. UNTIL. I saw that he returned from his mission in 2012. He is a baby. So there go all my hopes and dreams.

Time to find a new bank boyfriend. I wonder if Chase has anyone for me?

Life is Good, and That Can Be Boring

Life is good.  Does anyone really want to read about that?

The other day I was so happy I caught myself singing along to a Rascal Flatts song. That is never ok. I was even drumming out the beat on my steering wheel. Sometimes life is so good you forget to hate things. 

Kayla and I have two new roommates. The mean ones are gone and have been replaced by nice girls. Raquel is so sweet and kind, and service oriented that you wonder if she is real life. Seriously. Sam is funny, and horribly inappropriate in all the right ways. She makes me laugh at things I shouldn't. It is amazing to come home to a non hostile environment. It has been over a year since I had that pleasure.

We come home and watch tv that will rot our brains while we quilt. Our craft room (we have a big one with two tvs) has made its way to the living room.  It is a hot mess and I love it. There are currently two sewing machines in there.

Speaking of quilting, the other day I was sitting in my office and my finger hurt. So I looked down and realized it was bleeding. Upon further inspection there was a mysterious deep cut. I can’t imagine where it came from other than possibly my rotary cutter, but why the delayed bleed? There was really no way to bandaid in between there, so we taped my fingers together so I would stop opening the wound. Turns out missing a finger is a minor annoyance. But my yoga instructor felt bad for me (she thought my finger was why I didn't attempt the crow pose) and massaged my back while I lay in child’s pose and everyone else attempted crow (crow is real hard, but I can do camel and no one else can)

Kyle A and I, along with Sam went to Craft Lake City this weekend where I bought the necklace AND earrings of my dreams. I wanted to buy a print of a cute little pirate in a ship but Kyle said it was for a nursery so I can’t have it if I don’t have babies. I kind of regret not buying it, but I found her etsy shop online and can buy it later (for twice as much). Why do I ever listen to Kyle?

I am addicted to breakfast nachos. Seriously. You put scrambled eggs, a little crumpled bacon, and a delicious cheese sauce over chips. A little salsa and you have yourself the most delicious heart attack of your life.  I want some right now, but I can’t. Too many breakfast nachos means Annie is on a diet.

I told you it would be boring. I can’t believe you read all the way through that.

One more thing. There is this boy who sits at a desk outside my office door. He does reception or something for the doctor of some kind of brain medicine in the office two down from mine. He is the opposite of pleasant and has the dorkiest haircut. Did I just type that out loud? I’ll repent tonight. Anyway I heard someone mention to him that it was his last day. I of course was doing a secret dance of joy in my office. Then I overheard that it is his last day because he is getting married this weekend. Do you ever hear that kind of news and think to yourself “who is marrying Mr. Grumps  A Lot?” He doesn’t even compensate for his horrid personality with nice hair! 

Let Them Eat Cake

I googled it. Turns out you can get one at a Smith’s in Fort Union. 

The only place in Utah, and I was hanging out with a friend just a short jog away. We ran over and bought one as a surprise for Kayla. But I felt like we needed a reason to have such a rich and wonderful cake, so I texted many of you asking for an idea to write on the cake.

Your responses follow:

• Let’s Celebrate that I am home now.
• 40 days without killing a co-worker.
• 4 days until the weekend.
• You only gained 2  pounds this week.
• Happy three day weekend.
• Because you aren't on peopleofwalmart.com.
• You can still walk up the stairs w/o being short of breath.
• It’s not ding-dongs.
• Survived Monday.
• Spring has sprung.
• I’m a lovely person.
• Happy cake day.
• Let them eat cake

My ideas were:

• Diet starts Monday.
• Lay off me I’m Starving.
• #eatsomething

P.S. If you didn't get a text don't be sad. I just texted the last few people who had texted me. I have a brand new phone so that is a short list. So Moral of the story, text me.... and eat cake. 

New Phone

I showed my smashed phone to my boss.
"We'll get you a new one."

Ummm.... I'm thinking like a flip phone.

"Go down to Verizon on your lunch and pick out a phone, I don't care what it is. Keep it under $1,000."

*At the Verizon Store*

Me: Tell me why I would want an iphone?

Verizon Guy: Well if you want to be cool like your friends.

*******

Me: What is the difference between the Samsung S5 and S4?

VG: Well the S5 has some really cool fitness features.

Me: Do I  LOOK like I am into fitness?

VG: Well.... Maybe you want to start.... this would make it easy.

Me: Does it show me how to find the best egg roll in town?

********

Me: I don't like any of these cases you brought out. They are all icky, got any cute ones?

VG: Define cute?

Me: Like maybe they have a fireman on the back... or a picture of Luke Bryan!

VG: Well what I could do is get out my paint set and we could see what we could whip up for you.

*******

But seriously guys. I got a brand new S5 yesterday because I work for the best guys in the world. That was no waste of money. He just bought himself one darn loyal employee. Everyone wants to work here.

Wade is Home

Wade has been working on a cruise ship since November. Thus he has been mostly unreachable. This from the guy who would call me from the beach in Hawaii on vacation just to talk. But he's back now and has been trying to call me. But with no working phone I had no idea.

Today I got this message from a mutual friend via Google chat:

Wade wanted me to tell you the following:

• He thinks you're really pretty
• his dog faked a pregnancy again (he hates it when she does that)
• he thought of you on mothers day
• that he was so busy helping his dad with his mothers day gifts that he forgot to get his mom anything
• he bought a new cologne, it smells good and he can't wait to wear it all the days.
• He has something for you from Japan
• and thank you god bless!

I can't wait until my phone is working again so I can get all the scoop and the gossip on his travels. I just love that kid! 

I Do What I Want

Remember the two fancy events I went to here.

Well two nights ago Kyle A and myself found ourselves at another event.

Kyle: "Uh I think those are your favorite cookies on that table."

Me: "Huh?"

Kyle: "Those cookies you love I think they have them on that table."

ME: "Ruby Snaps?! Where?!" as I shove my dinner leftovers in to his hands

Kyle: "You can only have one!" he calls out to me as I run across the room like a crazy girl

Me: "I'll do what I want! AND THEY ARE THE GOOD ONES!!!!"

Kyle: "Seriously you only get one."

Me: "and the one you aren't eating, wait.... These aren't Ruby Snaps!"

*10 minutes later*

Me: "Is it ok to throw half a cookie away in front of a homeless man? Part of me feels that it's wrong, but would it be insulting to offer him a half eaten cookie?"

No Phone Either

Well I now also have no phone.

You see I was cleaning the basement,

and listening to the beach boys on my phone.

I had it in the pocket of my hoodie,

and I was MAYBE dancing.

My phone fell out and landed on the tile floor.

I picked it up and went back to dancing.

Then it fell out again.

I mean maybe I was dancing....

The second time I picked it up I noticed that the screen was shattered.

Not cracked, SHATTERED!!!

But still playing Good Vibrations!

My phone has it's priorities.

Addiction

Growing up my dad always subscribed to U.S. News. The inside cover always had some kind of demographic map of the U.S. Showing the results of some study or another. I LOVED looking at those maps. I loved looking at how different parts of the country would have certain clusters. I also loved that Utah was typically an outlier.

I still have a weird addiction to these kinds of maps. 

Here is one showing the prevalence of obesity worldwide. No Surprises here. 

Or how we still refuse to be like everyone else in the entire world and use the metric system.  Oh wait there is one African and one Asian country hanging in there with us.

This one shows the most common auto complete per state. So If I typed into Google "Utah is so..." then Utah is so weird would be the one most commonly searched for. Or New Jersey is a dump. Who are these people using the internet anyway? I wonder sometimes if we should really just let anyone on here. 

 A Map showing the most popular brand that originated in each state. Of course Cabela's in Nebraska. I wish Jersey was big enough for me to recognize. Does is say Coca Cola? Could it be?
*Willie Says Jersey is Campbell's Soup! Of Course it is! And Coke is obviously down there in AL.

This one shows the presence of the 7 deadly sins. Curious.... 

Primary

I SERIOUSLY love my primary kids. People tell me I'm great with them. Really I'm just one of them.

"Ok, what did the Easter bunny bring you? Seriously cough it up, you're going to need to share with me." ~Me

*Andrew bites off half his Laffy Taffy and passes the half in his mouth to me, to pass to Kayla. Which I did, and she ate without hesitation.

"You know what my favorite primary moment was this week? When you and the 7 year old boy started laughing uncontrollably at the same thing." ~Kayla.

"Hey Andrew! Andrew! Psst... You got any candy in your pockets?" ~Me

"No... But should I start bringing some?"~Andrew

My Glasses

If you haven't noticed, I'm a blonde again. Kyle A convinced me to do it. "God made you a blonde, and God doesn't make mistakes." This time around Drew Drop made me a blonde. It took me a few days to get used to being a blonde again. It's like I didn't recognize myself when I'd look in a mirror.

But we are here to talk about a different change you might have noticed. The glasses. They look pretty good right?

Let me clear something up... The secret is out. I have 20/20 vision. It's that strong Viking heritage. Clean genetics. I bought those at a store for ten year old girls. I felt totally awkward standing in line with all the little girls to buy my treasure. I just tried not to make eye contact and browsed the One Direction items. It felt right.

Unplugging

I Deactivated my Facebook. I know, crazy, I always think the when other people do such. I already got a few text asking why I defriended someone. I didn't unfriend you. It's not gone forever. But I will be off for some time. I also canceled my Netflix, Hulu etc. It's all part of a new commitment I am making to take care of me and spend more time in real life. So far my commitment has included more of the following:

• Temple attendance
• Walking around the neighborhood 
• Meeting new people
• Taking classes
• Exploring my city
• Going on culinary adventures
• Planning camping/fishing trips
• Writing a cookbook
• Painting
• Being more productive at work
• Writing genuine hand written letters
• Talking face to face with real people
• Really preparing my primary lessons
• Eating better and making it all from scratch.
• Concerts in the park
• Calling home
• Gallery Strolls
• Reading in the hammock
• Keeping my room clean
• Intensive scripture study
• etc.
• etc.
• etc.

I bought this book while Kayla and I were exploring a boutique at 9th and 9th called Hip and Humble.

It has a lot of great ideas and we are doing them!

I am still blogging (obviously). I will still instagram. Follow both and hopefully you will notice the changes in myself that I already have. Text me your address and I'll write you a letter. Seriously.

I have already noticed a difference in my energy levels,  my relationship with my savior, my general happiness, my gratitude, and my creativity.

P.S. The other night Kyle D and I went for a walk through the neighborhood. He would change our route as he saw trees that he thought might smell good. I noticed last night that my entire neighborhood just smells like spring.

I didn't defriend anyone. I am simply trying to be a better friend to myself, and in the end a better friend to all of you.

He's Got This

I thought it was probably time I recorded, at least for myself, the story of how I ended up in my new job.

I had felt for awhile, 6 months or so, Dave might remember better, that something in my life needed to change. I felt stagnant and I felt that I wasn't truly appreciated in my job. I felt that no matter how hard I tried they were always going to see me as a glorified secretary, because that was my original position. I very much loved the people I worked with and I miss some of them desperately.

The day before Thanksgiving I was at work late trying to update inventory for one of my online retails before cyber Monday. My boss called with a request, I felt stressed out and was already staying late. I asked if it could wait until Monday and it became a fight. Again I love my boss, but communication had of recently come to a stand still and I left for the break in tears. I determined that if on Monday he apologized I would stay, If he brought up the incident at all I was looking for a new job.

What they didn't know was the week before I had interviewed with the engineering firm Kyle worked for.  The pay was twice as much as what I was making and they had interviewed a lot of people and I had been on top until they hired their last interviewee, a former CEO. Weird, but I will conceded that I didn't have THOSE skills. But what I did come away with was that it shouldn't be hard to find another job. There was an engineering firm that had wanted me, I had impressed all 4 of the principles of the company and I was confident.

Monday came and I was given an official warning for my attitude. Kyle helped me put together a resume that night and I went over and we applied for every job opening on KSL we could find.

Me: This one is in Park City
Kyle: Apply for it.
Me: This one is the same pay I'm making now
Kyle: Apply for it
Me: Could I manage an animal hospital?
Kyle: Apply for it

The thought was the more things I applied for the greater opportunity Heavenly Father had to give me the best fit. I struggled. What if I don't deserve the blessings that I am asking for? How can I say Heavenly Father please help me find a job I will love, for a stable company, when I didn't read my scriptures last night? Silly maybe, I had my doubts but also felt oddly full of faith. I had done what I could.

I was called the next day for an interview with Northstar Builders. I went in and the interview went horribly. I mean really horribly. At the engineering firm I left thinking that they loved me and I had that job. Which they did, and I almost had. When I left the builders I knew I didn't have a chance.

They called me on my back to work. "We forgot to ask you a question. What is your benefit package like right now?" I knew they were putting an offer together for me. They offered me the job the next morning. I didn't stop to pray about it, I didn't think twice. I went in and quit. I was touched when the owner hugged me and said "I have never had an employee that will be as hard to loose as you are." He offered to work out of the office more to keep an eye on how I was treated. He offered to talk to me about more money, that he really didn't want to pay and he had already given me a 15% raise just months earlier. In that moment, all of a sudden it was a hard decision. I realized what I was giving up. I had made friendships, and built trust and I was going to miss that place.

The last piece to fall into place was where to live. You see my roommate was getting married and I kind of hated our apartment and didn't want to live there. Also the new office was super far east in Salt Lake and not close to any freeways so commuting was not going to be my favorite all the way into Davis County everyday. I turned again to KSL and nothing felt right. I finally found one I thought I really liked. The landlord called to set things up with me "And your roommate is John, is that going to be a problem for you?" Back to square one. That's when my good friend Kayla texted me. We have a spot for you in our house.

The house is less than a mile from my office. The rent is so cheap, like basically free. The neighborhood is lovely. It is a home, so I can have my grill and hammock and garden. I love my ward and my neighbor Pete who keeps an eye on us.

Oh and the new job is more that I could hope for. We build high end custom homes and I am the manager. I am treated with respect and as an equal. "Let's go to lunch and discuss this." I don't get left out anymore.  And I still get advice about my personal life. In my last job it was more the advice of a tender father. In this job it is "Annie you need to get your *stuff* together." Which is also truth.

Heavenly Father's got this. When I stop resisting change and let Him take over He always amazes me with what he can do with my life.

Round of Confessions

I can’t stand the smell of Subway. It smells so bad. If I want Subway I have to get it from somewhere where the store is part of a bigger store, so the smell isn't as strong. I can walk past a stranger and tell instantly if they have been to subway that day. That smells sticks like glue. Ugh!

I love drinking songs. Amanda and I have a list that we enjoy. Her ringtone on my phone is a clip of our favorite one. I don’t even care. Add it to my list of favorite sins. You can judge us if you want, totally cool. I’d judge me.

I have given up speeding, for the most part, so there is room on the favorite sin list. That is how it works right?

Sometimes I put people on friendship timeout. Don’t smother me. I will smother you when it is convenient for me.

I have a favorite in my primary class. I wish I could take him home and keep him forever. He is far from the best behaved child in my class.

People ask me what diet I am on when they notice my weight loss. How do I tell them that I really just eat a lot of air popped popcorn? Oh and I cut out Diet Coke. That never lasts as long as I wish it did though. I am an addict in true form, but am trying to change that.

Apparently when you delete pictures from google+ it also deletes them everywhere else they appear in google.... Like on your blog. So my blog looks a little disheveled right now.  I'll fix it. I promise. I also need to add some people to the Cast of Characters tab... So you know who Amanda is.

For now just know she is a new bestie, and I am corrupting her in all the best ways. 

Kyle

Kyle: What are you up to tonight?

Me: Going to see Walter Mitty with K and E.

Kyle: I Don’t want to see that movie

Me: You aren't invited

Kyle: Fine I’ll come

Longing For Home

Yesterday was not the first time that someone I dearly love has tried to take their own life. Unfortunately I have had a friend go through with it before… a best friend. A friend I thought knew I was there for him no matter what. I know mental health has nothing to do with how much I care about someone, but I wish it did.

I received quite a few messages from friends telling me that they had been in that place themselves. I was shocked by the people who admitted it to me. Most of them seemed to me, to be people who have their lives together. Why would they feel the need to end it?

I've been pondering on this and have found a place in my heart where I can empathize. I have never been in that place where ending my life ever felt like an option, nor has it ever been something I desired. I have had hard times. Heart breaking times. Every time in my darkest hours my deepest desire is to go home. That used to be an option for me. I’d hop in my car and in a few hours I was home. When I am home with mom and dad everything is ok. It didn't matter what I was going through it was all ok if I was with them.

That isn't an option anymore. Mom is gone, for now, and so is home. I can go visit my dad if I want, I am always welcome there but I am a guest. I no longer have access to the healing powers of home. When things get bad now my heart turns to the only other home I've known. The one my mind does not remember but my heart does, my heavenly home. I understand the appeal of the other side. Not because life isn't worth facing, or because I want to feel numb, but simply because I want to be home where everything is ok, where happiness fills every part of my soul, where you are loved unconditionally. I miss that. I crave that.

I think we have all felt a yearning for home that is beyond anything in this life. In that emotion I can sympathize. 

Feeling Old

Last night Kyle and I went to Smash Burger for dinner. I ordered the smash club and made an Uncle Jesse reference that fell flat with the server.

"Like from Full House."

"Yeah that was WAY before my time."

*once server is out of ear shot*

"Seriously? The Cosby Show was before my time but I still get the references!"

"The Cosby Show WAS your time!"

"No it was on in the 80s. I wasn't watching sitcoms as a toddler!"

"But it ended in the 90s, you were watching TV when you were ten weren't you?"

"Yeah... Full House and  Dr. Quinn. Which both ended in the late 90s."

"Right. Probably before that kid was born."

"Am I that old? I feel like the general public should get Full House references no matter how old they are."

The Salt Flats

Kyle and I went for a drive the other night out to the salt flats.

I needed to take a Flat Stanley picture to mail back to my brother's kindergarten class.

Kyle wanted to shoot a music video.


I can't believe I get to live here.

Then Kyle told me to smile.
Lovely.
I told him I wasn't wearing makeup.
Well maybe a little lipstick...
But I was not prepared.

I always look better when I am laughing.
He refused to attempt to make me laugh
So I laughed at his grumpiness.
I love his grumpiness.
He is a total phony though.
He is really lovely.

When I looked at this picture I thought. "I look 30."
But I am 30.
So I guess it's ok.




Life is good.

Online Dating (My 24 hour venture)

The other night Kyle A was over. He is the king of LDS dating websites. He actually meets good ones from time to time that I really like. In fact I am trying to get him to be more serious about a current one that I really like. But he never listens to me.

Anyway... One of my favorite things is to use Tinder for him on his phone. I pull it up and deny all the girls who aren't wearing enough clothes, or I don't deam to be his type, or that are trying too hard. It is fun for us. The other night he was on a different site where you answer like a zillion questions and it gives you your top matches based on  how you answer then shows you a percentage.

We signed me up mostly because I wanted to see if it would match me up with my bestie.

There he is 86% match! And... 16% Enemies. He messaged me about it. I should have taken a screen shot of that before I deleted my account.

Kyle: So 16% Enemies huh?
Me: That seems low.

Ha. I just like my Kyle a lot. Seriously.

One more thing... for Kate...

Sorry Triman. That's a deal breaker for me. If you can't be gassy what do you have? Certainly not love.

Moral of the story. I deleted my account. Kyle really is the greatest thing on there. Why he isn't the hottie of the online dating world I don't know but I already *have him. So no dating site needed.

P.S. These guys need to be more original. Almost every single message I received said something about my smile and called me angel. They obviously don't know me too well. Seriously.

*By HAVE I mean I have access to his stellar friendship... Unless he is on a hot date.