I spent some time today shopping for a baby gift for a client. I was in and out of high end baby boutiques where everything is so soft, and small, and adorable. I was so completely caught up in how lovely everything was. For a moment or two it was fun and I was blissfully happy in that world. Then I got back to my office and packed it all up, so fresh and bright, and sent it off to our client who recently added one more baby girl to their family. Then I sat alone in my quiet office for awhile and I remembered that babies are not my world. Not even a little bit. I live a life that revolves around me and really no one else. I go to work and the gym, and I “do lunch.” I listen to podcasts about scientific discoveries, and social psychology to drown out the quiet at work. I send inappropriate texts to Zacula, mixed with ones that tell him my heart is breaking.
I kind of like being single. It is nice to have so much time for me and also I really like naps…. and nachos. But what I realized today is that maybe I have been poisoning my own mind. You see I recognize that from the day I was organized I have been destined to be a mother. And every part of my soul longs for that. But as each year passes and I spend more of my days alone in an office, my self talk changes. You see it has to change in order to keep my heart from falling apart. Where my self talk used to be “I can’t wait for…” and “when…” it has changed flavors and become “Having babies feels hard and like I’ll be tired for the rest of my life“ or things like “maybe that’s not something I really want…” because if I believe that the longing hurts less. But worst of all were the echos in my head today of “maybe I can do more good elsewhere…” and don’t forget “But I really like napping.”
It feels important that I remind myself this afternoon, that I do have great potential for good. More I think than I am ready to admit. But there is no place I can have a greater influence than in my own home with my own babies.
I like to ask myself what have you done for Charlie this week? Have you gained knowledge? Grown closer to your savior? Been a little more patient? Met his Dad? Ha. But today the most important thing I do for Charlie might just be that I don’t give up on us.