I run laps through the graveyard.

Some people have commented that this seems morbid. My roommates says she is sure that a big decomposing hand will reach out and grab me. But to me the graveyard is the perfect place to run and here is why.

As I run I picture the resurrection. I picture everyone being restored to their perfect bodies, Then I think about how I am working on mine right now. Heavenly Father has given me a body and I am doing what I can to take care of this precious gift. I then think of the day that my mom is going to be resurrected and gain her body and I will be able to run to her and embrace her. Running for me... is easier in the graveyard.


Time to move to Mississippi

Jamison: Your girl Annie scares me
(Try to remember Jamison is a black man from Mississipi)
Lolly: Because of the headphones thing?
Jamison: She has too much sass for these Utah boys, they don't know how to handle her. In Mississippi boys know how to handle a girl with sass. That's all they got down there.
Lolly: So what your saying is she needs a black man?
Jamison: For sure
Lolly: Tell her that
Jamsion: I can't. It can't come from me, she won't listen.
Lolly: But you are a black man.

For the record Jamison was adorably sweet to me when I did not deserve it. This conversation happened while they were on their way to buy dinner for me because I was in tears of pain on the couch at home. AND he picked up double what I asked for because he needed me to eat the proper amount of Taco Bell. Cute boy. Who knew Taco Bell could feed my body AND spirit. <3 <3 <3


The Weight of Things

Some days I walk outside and the air is just the right temperature. The temperature that breeds memories. And it feels like every single memory I've ever had of her, every single one hits me as hard as it can right in my chest. I can't breathe and I have to stop... I have to stop because I have instantly become aware that there is a gaping hole in my life, this huge dark hole in myself, and it seems for a second like that emptiness is right there in front of me and if I take a step forward I am going to fall into it.

There are some days when I feel her presence so strongly that I am sure I can see her out of the corner of  my eye. I hold my head perfectly still, because I know if I turn my head to see she will disappear. Some days when I swear I can hear her laughing along with us. Some nights where she is so clear in my dreams that I am sure she was never gone. I have had numerous experiences too sacred to mention here, experiences that let me know with no room for doubt that she is still my mom and still a constant presence in my life.

There are so many days when I still feel like a little girl. When I need to be listened to, when I need to be tucked in, when I need to be held, when I need to cry, when I need to question, when I need to be built up, when I need a recipe, when I need a laugh, when I need unconditional love and acceptance, when I need to feel pretty, when I need a band-aid, when I need honesty, when I need someone who knows me better than I do. When I need someone to talk to. When I need someone who doesn't need to talk to understand. When I need someone who doesn't need to talk to make it better.

I still miss her.

I still need her.

And I feel guilty about it.

Because I need to be over it. Because I feel like everyone around me is thinking that too. Because I worry that if someone saw me cry about it they would think I was weak. Because I am suppose to be happy all the time. Because life is suppose to go on. Because so many of my friends have been through so much more. Because I know families are forever so it shouldn't matter that she had to leave early. Because it was 5 years ago. Because I should have enough faith to allow the Savior to take my pain away.

Most days are good. Most days are amazing! I know that families are forever. I have given my pain over to my Savior, and I am happy. I try to use my experiences to help others. I have done what I can to learn and grow from it. I know I am blessed. But I miss her, I need her, and she isn't here, and it sucks!



Some days my job is really stressful! Other days...

Take me out to the ball game

No seriously, please... Just me and my Phillies one more night. I really don't feel like we got enough time together last week. Our relationship may suffer.


True Love

"I don't know if I love her but I know I don't want anyone else to love her!"

Thanks for making me laugh out loud! Now my coworkers think I'm crazy!


Let's Try This Again

So the link I posted for Hall's Kitchen, the family recipe sharing website, had a typo. Ooppsie. It has been fixed and the blog can be found here. If you would like to contribute I need your email so I can send you an invite to participate. The email will contain a verification link and you will then be added as a contributor. Post recipes to your hearts content, just don't forget to add a tag that contains what kind of recipe it is. If you have any questions call me or Facebook me. I will try to get a few more recipes up this weekend then I will send out a Facebook invite to all the family members on there. GET EXCITED!


Utah... back in the 801!

I miss Jersey

I miss Jersey like a lot

I mean a lot a lot

You know how typically when you come home from a trip you just can't wait to be home? Well I really struggled with coming back. It didn't help that we came home right in the middle of a huge snow storm when the day before I had been here:
But I know this is where the Lord wants me right now. I also know that there are good people, and amazing adventures to be had anywhere. So today while I was once again feeling the crushing weight of missing all that is Jersey creep back into my heart I made this list.

Why I heart Utah:
Caffeine free pop
Free parking in the city
Wide roads and sensible addresses
Access to a temple really whenever I want to go
Public restrooms
Mountains and easy access to them
Extended family near by

Please add to this list.. I really do love living here.