Why I am single.

It has been brought to my attention by more than one person that I am getting a little old on the LDS and single scale. Yes this I know, but thanks for the heads up.

I have also had more than one person give me advice on this subject.

Grandma: (While pinching me) Boys don't like all this extra stuff, it's time to lose weight.
Matt Schultz: Maybe if you didn't tell boys your ACTUAL weight...
Katy: I think it is because you are obnoxious.
Dad: Maybe you should try being less "rowdy" Let him see that side of you later, when he's aloud to be excited by it.
Boy in the 4th ward: (1 Week after mom died) Any man you were already married to would have no problem being there for you during hard times, but no guy wants to go into a relationship now that you have all this baggage.
Boy in the 59th ward: It's hard when you Dad is so successful. A guy can't compete with that.

So real quick let's discuss these theories. Grandma and Matt, I like the way I look and that is who is important right? Katy, Whatever! Dad, I can't hide it I can only try to contain it. 4th ward boy, What the? I can't imagine someone having less baggage after dealing with that. If anything I have learned a ton, grown in the gospel, and become a much stronger person by it. A person who will never let a day go by without those she loves know it. 59th ward boy, WHAT?! Have you met my Dad? Have you been to my home? Do you know where my Dad comes from? I could care less what you make. Plus the poorer you are the skinner I may become. HAHA

But let me make a confession here. There are 5, no wait 6, boys who have wanted to marry me. Literally would have bought the ring and set the date if I'd have given the word. (I only kissed one of them, don't judge me.)

So why am I single? Because I haven't said yes yet! So why haven't I said yes yet? Because once you have had a taste of the good life you don't go back. What do I mean by that? My babies deserve a father at least half as good as the one I have.

Dad tucked us in at night and told us stories, he played airplane, and crocodile. He gathers us together for family scripture and prayer. He helped us make pancakes on saturday morning while we watched ninja turtles, and he actually watched with us. He took us on walks and just let us tell him all about our little world. We had a chair we would always sit in together that fell apart as I grew. He glued it back together so mom wouldn't be mad. I want my babies to love their daddy too. I need him to be someone they look up to, someone who knows all the words to Book Of Mormon Stories and doesn't mind if they always want to sing it in the dinosaur voice. Someone they are waiting at the door for when he gets home.

I try not to be one of those girls. And to a degree I am not, I don't care what he does for a living, I don't care where we live or what temple we get married in. I don't have the names of my kids picked out and I don't care what gender they are. The details just don't matter. But if there is one thing I can do for them it is to find them a dad that will help them to achieve their potential in a world that will be even more scary than the one we are living in today. How scary would it be to bring them down here without that?


Saturday at Winco....

Holy Crap! Normally I avoid the grocery store altogether on the weekends. This week however, I just haven't had the time until today. I basically wanted to stab my own eyes out! How do people not know how to navigate an aisle? I seriously sat on the end of an aisle for 8 minutes until the people at the end could figure out how to get through. There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it. Then once it would finally get a little unjumbled and a few people would make it through somebody would stop right in the middle of it all to grab a can of tuna. AND spend a few minutes deciding if they wanted it in oil or water. I don't know about you but isn't it a pretty easy concept to stay on the right side? It's like driving. I thought that was a social norm, or as we learned in school, a moray.

Then Katy decides to make eyes and smile at some creepy guy in the aisle. Wouldn't you know he "magically" ends up behind us in the checkout and starts talking to us.

Dude: I didn't know Ramen came in spicy flavors?
Kate: Oh yeah you gotta have a little spice in your life.
me: Yeah it's the only one I'll eat. I'm a little snotty about my Ramen.
Dude: Oh man have you guys tried the Habenero flavored ones?
Me: I wasn't aware they had that flavor, I'm not a connoisseur or anything.
Dude: So how are you ladies today?
Me: Welp have a good day!

P.S. His wife just stood there totally MAD!

So between that and Katy wanting to touch all the brown babies it was a good day at Winco.


Ode to the couches in my life...

Aren't couches the best? They are in every home in American.... in some shape, size, smell, and state of disarray. It's where I've taken the best naps, had my first kiss, watched my favorite shows, listen to mom read to us, have family scriptures, and kneel in front of for family prayers. When I was growing up it was the only place my stuffed animals were safe from the lava, and it was base when we played with dad, (if you were on the couch when the timer went off you didn't get blown to smithereens )

My dad has the greatest couch in the world. I was living at home for the summer and I gave up my bed for a relative that was in town. I never went back to my bed! That first night on the couch I slept like I have never slept before! I woke up crazy relaxed and just… Wow it is hard to even describe. It was like the sun was brighter and the birds sang better. Dad was always irritated by it because he would want to watch the news in the morning and I was always on the best couch. Then Mike moved in with us and he got the couch. It still smells like cigarettes.*** My perfect couch is no longer perfect!

We have two couches in the front room at home. Okay try to remember here that my family isn’t trashy at all.* Anyway my family is moving into town and Dad didn’t want to move the couches…. So he burned them. That’s right he built a huge bon-fire and chucked the couches in. Apparently, as both we and the neighbors learned,** they burn with a very thick black smoke. Don’t even worry about how he also tossed on a desk, an entertainment center, and all his tax records. Okay not the tax records

In my current apartment we have two couches. The first we call the see saw couch. One of Katy’s friends gave it to us and you would always fall into the middle of it. So I put one of the table leaves under the cushions to give some support to the couch. Unfortunately if you are sitting on it and someone sits on the other side who weighs more than you… up you go. It is even worse when they aren’t aware of the situation so they sit down hard! The other couch we call the “F-ton.” We bought it from Target for like 50 bucks when we moved in because we had nowhere to sit. It is black and all the white stuffing is always coming out of it so it looks like we have a poodle that likes to make out on the couch. And it has a HUGE bar in the back of it that is basically the reason I plan on having chronic back problems.

I had a white suede couch in a house I lived in during college. Oh college couches…. I had an ex boyfriend that non of my friends cared for. One night they all went to a party and I staid home and somehow he ended up on my couch. The problem came in trying to hide from my roommates what had transpired that night. You see I was wearing red pants and mysteriously enough that stupid white suede couch had picked up a pinkish hue. Although I’m not sure how in the world I though I was going to be able to hide it from Linds anyway.

In the next house I lived in we had a neighbor who had some problems with what is and what is not ok to do in public. So one day he stops by to chat on his way home from class.**** During our 20 minute conversation he picked his nose I would say at least ten times. He would look at it and then WIPE IT ON MY COUCH! He went home and my friend and I carried the couch out to the curb.

Speaking of... I think my couch is calling my name. I think a quick nap is in order before I go out tonight.

*note the sarcasm and my blog entitled white trash with money.
** You can’t see another house from our place, but they could sure see the smoke.
*** Both legal and otherwise.
****He had a crush on my best friend who was over hanging out.


Weekend with my BFF!

My best friend Zac came to visit me this weekend.

I haven't seen him in forever and probably won't see him in forever again. It is just so nice to be with someone who loves me and really has no reason to. HA HA.

You know what else is nice? I am prettier with him... No I am serious! Check it out my double chin magically disappeared.

He gave me a list of the boys he met who I could and could not date. I think he is more protective of me than my dad.

He also helped Katy as she put it "Peel her whole face off and start again."


Why I read the paper.

I LOVE to read the paper! Sorry Tommy I tried to change but I just couldn't do it. So anyway two days ago I was reading the paper and started laughing out loud.

The first story that caught my eye was this one: In order to increase the birth rate in the nation of Singapore they have started teaching formal High School courses on how to flirt. The course includes love song analysis and how to chat online. Says one student: "My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me, and I stand a chance." First of all Yikes! Second of all how can I get signed up for these classes. Do they teacher them distance ed or satellite?

Wait! The second story gets better. It is the very next story on the page. In India they are looking for ways to slow the nation's birthrate so they have instituted this ingenious idea. Men who volunteer for vasectomies will be rewarded with certificates that speed up the process of obtaining a gun permit. The idea is to offset the feelings of lost manhood by replacing it "with a bigger symbol of manliness." Now I am not a guy but which do you think is a bigger symbol of manliness, the ability to reproduce or the ability to shoot a firearm legally? Which still leaves the biggest question unanswered... Who comes up with this stuff?


A few observations

1. It has been what? 40 degrees at the most outside lately? So how come the ladies in sports bras are already out in full force? I saw three at work yesterday! I really thought I had more time to prepare! I asked rob if maybe they just forgot their shirt when they left the house and he said he has the same problem with his pants. Is it just me or do people look better with clothes on?

2. I am currently donating plasma. While in the waiting room I had two fun experiences. One guy came into the waiting room yelling, "this is such a waste of time! Coming to America! What a joke!" Then just a few minutes later another guy comes out of an exam room yelling, "it's not my fault I'm allergic to peanuts! What are you going to do about it?!"

3. My apron at work broke. It made me feel awful chubby when every time I would bend over it would come unsnapped so I went in for a new one and they didn't have anymore so I had to revert back to the vest. It may be bad but the vest makes me feel chubby and I hate it! Enough so that work just isn't the same. I hate that I am some one who lets how attractive she feels effect her day.


My latest playlist

I've been playing a few songs non-stop on my i-pod the past few days to make me feel better. As hard as I try to pretend that I am not a girl about things, as a girl I can't help but love those who claim to love me. In the end I don't think that is a bad thing.

Shut Up and Drive

Shut up and drive
You don't know what you're talking about
He's not the one
You ought to know that by now
You've got one of those hearts
That keeps changing your mind
Your heart has a way of making you stay
So shut up and drive

I'm the voice you never listen to
And I had to break your heart to make you see
That he's the one who will be missing you
And you'll only miss the man
That you wanted him to be

Turn the radio on
To drown out the sound of goodbye
Blink back the tears
Show me you've still got your pride
Just get yourself lost
In a sad country song
Those guys that they play
Know just what to say
Turn the radio on.

Move On

We’re wastin’ all our time and energy it seems
To mend our broken hearts as if they were machines
There ain’t a tool around that could make us tight

Hell I don’t know where all the good times went
Had a pocket full of love now there ain’t nothin’ left but lint
A handful of good times don’t make it right

We’re always sayin’ things that we don’t really mean
Like I love you and I’ll be with you for all eternity
We don’t have that long to work this out

So move on
There ain’t nothing you can do about it
Come on
Love is like a puzzle when the pieces don’t fit
There ain’t nothing you can do about it

and finally the words to my all time favorite dirt band song:

Don't Underestimate Love

You say another love has left you
Feeling sad and insecure
You'd like to think that it's all worth it
But now you're not so sure
Baby just because it's painful
It doesn't mean it's real
Sometimes we're simply desperate
For something to feel, uh-huh
Don't underestimate love
It's the same old bedtime story
The same old dreams of glory
We all hold on to
It's all so beautifully tragic
So painfully romantic
But so far from the truth
Baby I could slay your dragons
But I'd rather set them free