Some things are worth fighting for

I wrote this back in November and came across it tonight in my drafts:

I have a hard time making good friends. The problem is mine. I have simply had so much loss in my life that I have put up a wall. If I don't let you in then you can't leave me. I have been much better since moving to Idaho Falls. But from the time Shane died until my move I did not make any new friends except Zac, and Snubs. I frequently ask Zac how the heck he snuck in when I had my fortress so protected. He is honest with me and told me that it wasn't easy, and often he felt like I was trying hard to push him away. While that may have been the impression I was giving off, the way I felt was simply that I desperately needed a friend. Fortunately for me he persevered. I often ask myself what the heck he saw in me that made him fight so hard for my friendship. I will tell you that to this day I do not think I deserve a friend like him.

Zac, I know the time has come to fight for our friendship again. I ask you to please keep fighting, we will win this one!


I am a knitter

That's right and I am proud of it!

Awhile ago I was at a church activity and I saw this girl standing up in the middle of the room knitting. My fist thought should have been "goodness a fellow knitter, awesome!" But instead I thought that she was the craziest girl I had ever seen. I mean honestly who brings their knitting to an activity and whips it out in the middle of the room? Especially at a single function where the main purpose of being there is to remove yourself from the singles scene. I just don't see a guy walking in and saying to his buddies "Hold all the phones guys who is that!? I have been looking for a girl who can make her own socks. Do you think she saw me? Do you think I Should I go talk to her?"

Here is the problem...

It is literally hard for me to put my knitting down from time to time. I have been guilty of taking my knitting to a friends house while he watches football. I also have special needles with lights in the tips so that I can knit while we watch movies. I had one of those moments recently where I said to myself oh crap that is totally me. So if there are any men out there looking for a woman who can whip you up some socks while we watch a movie you just let me know.

PS. Here is a little glimpse into the future!


Earth Day

I have been in charge of Earth Day at work. Not because I necessarily am super green or granola but because I have this voice I use on the phone that just makes people want to give me things. So we reserved a booth in the Tautphaus park hockey shelter for the community earth day celebration.

It has been a fun project because me and the store manager don't worry too much about.. well anything, but his wife and my co-worker who were assigned to work on this with me VERY much do. Anyway I had a bunch of vendors donate tons of product to give away. All organic or recycled, or energy saving, or water conserving.

Here is the good part. My store manager has an emergency conference call today so I am sent alone in his truck to reserve our table and take the literal truck load out to the park. I have no idea where I am going so I get to the park and I find that it is a little like a miniature central park. It has a zoo, hockey rink, carousel, playground, etc, etc, etc. I have no idea where or what building the hockey shelter is so I am driving all over this place, down these winding basically one way paths, making a lot of U-turns. The park is filled with people getting ready for Earth day watching me drive all over the park, and looking at me strangely. I thought maybe it was all the U-turns until I realized I was driving through a bunch of save the earthers in this EXACT truck...

Needless to say I was LOVING the look on the organizers faces when I drove into the hockey shelter with some nice black smoke billowing out of it. Just as an example of how serious they are about saving the planet... she found out I had samples to give out and she got all bent out of shape because in her own words "We would just like to reduce waste."

I got everything set up and jumped in my truck and yelled out the open door at her, because the window doesn't roll down, "You are loving this truck huh? It is way more fun than a Prius!"


The stupid white girl

I hate being the stupid white girl. But I find myself in that situation frequently...

There was the infamous time Katy and I were lost in Chester, PA with no gas and no knowledge of how to get more. Thanks to growing up in Jersey for that little adventure. There was also the time that my friend Michelle and I decided to go exploring while her parents were doing a session in the DC temple. We had a very similar experience in, once again, a neighborhood white people should not have been in.

So now I live in Idaho and have filled many a tank of gas... I shouldn't have those same kind of experiences.... You would think.

Enter this conference weekend. I was staying with a friend in Utah and took off right after the last conference session Sunday. I stopped to fill up at the first gas station I found off the freeway. I decided while I was at it I would check my oil level, a little low. The gas station I was at did not carry oil though. Strange. So I walked out and shut my hood and drove off to find another. I am oil in hand when I walk back to my car and can see oil all over the front of my white car. CRAP! I didn't put the oil cap back on!

Perfect! I am an idiot but I haven't gone far. I'll go look for it. Well if you don't get lost backtracking it might have been a good plan... I found two oil caps but neither of them were mine. At this point there is oil poring out from under my hood and I am in tears and I am completely lost in an area of Salt Lake that feels scary. I google text where the nearest autozone is and buy a new cap. I found it easily enough but I am still in a bad area of town and I am still sobbing. So I walk in there, still crying, obviously out of place, and ask the guy for an oil fill cap. I am very grateful that they didn't laugh at me.

I called Wade during all this and told him I had a story to tell him but that when I cried he couldn't laugh. He didn't make any promises, I told him anyway. He interrupts the story and says wait when did this happen? And I respond right now it is happening! He asks me where I am and I tell him. In his most comforting voice he says "wow that is a REALLY bad neighborhood."

I hate being the stupid white girl...


Shane, my tender mercy

I don't really know why I have been thinking of him so much lately. I would like to think that maybe it is because he has been thinking about me a lot lately. I have been having a rough time and if Shane were still alive he would give me a snickers bar and pat me on the top of my head and tell me it was going to be okay. I know that if Shane were here he would listen to me, really listen. Then he would focus, not on fixing the problem, but on making the problem hurt less.

Shane is from the great state of Idaho in which I now reside. In fact he is from Shelly which is really just the next town over. A couple of sundays ago me and my sister went to a local choir concert. I typically don't like choir music but I went to support a good friend. The concert focused on tender mercies and they would have a narrator read a story from someone in the choir about a tender mercy they had experienced then they would sing a song. Some were good and some were really cheesy so mid concert found my sister and I in the back row goofing off and laughing about a suspicious smell.

Then the narrator began a story about a man who lost his boy, Shane. I was instantly at attention as the narrator read the account Shane's father had written about his son's last few days on earth. I literally felt like Shane was there not only watching his dad;s performance but letting me know he loved me too. As the choir began to sing Amazing Grace I knew that Shane may be separated from him body for a little while but he was still the friend I needed. I know Shane. I know that there is no way that a friend of his could be hurting without him doing EVERYTHING in his power to make it all better. My tender mercy was Heavenly Father letting me know that and reminding me of the amazing friends he has given me over the years. I know that to have a friend like Shane was nothing less than a gift from a loving Heavenly Father.

I ran straight up to the stage afterwards and asked for the man who had written that story. I am sure I was barely audible when I hugged his dad and told him thanks for raising Shane to be the man that he his.


Mormon Superbowl

Thanks to Chad for my above title. I hope you all get as excited for conference as I do. It is seriously the best Sunday of the year, and oh wait it comes twice a year, even better. For those of you that were listening during yesterday's afternoon session I want you to know that both me and Lolly tried to Google a testimony and it did not work. Katy tried to text me some faith, it also did not work. Good thing I already have a testimony.

Lolly took this picture. Try not to judge her. We had tickets to the Saturday afternoon session. I was so excited because it was the meeting where we sustain the prophets, apostles, etc. I love seeing that whole place raise their hands. What I also love is that we watched the Sunday morning session in bed, in our jamies, while eating leftover curry! I also have a bag of conference chips. It really is the superbowl!

Oh and when I tried to google a picture of general conference I found this picture...

Be excited!

He is my new Boyfriend...

You want a man who will go to conference with you and is also prepared for all eventualities...

I bet he is an Eagle Scout!!!


The splinter group!!!

The girls Lolly live with had a Gangster party last night and we became what we termed the splinter group, or the we would rather have Thai food group.

First of all I did not get to see my secret boyfriend but I did get to hear his dulcet tones coming through the phone as he gave us directions to the Thai place we wanted to have dinner at. The Thai place was a good time...

We all asked for water but the waitress brought Amanda a Sprite. This was only funny because I swore that she had asked for a Sprite so I was laughing at her for a while as she drank the Sprite she did not want. Then she brings us our dinner and she brought me something that was not even close to what I ordered. So we sent it back but she literally fought with me about it first. Then when she brought us our check and to go boxes she dumped our fortune cookies on the ground, picked them up and threw them away and did not bring us any new ones. Sad sad day!

We did spend a little time at the party but after two or three "encounters" with Spencer we decided to once again splinter and we went downstairs to watch The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas. Before we left the party we did find this hat laying around the house after the party...

We are pretty hot don't lie to yourself.