Dear 12 Year Old Me,

Just a quick note.

You are going to like this picture.

 
I told you that you would. You are free to print it and put it in your locker. The one outside of Mrs. Bunden's room, so you can see it every morning. Maybe put it in the locker by the English room too so you can see it before you go home at night.(Kristen will like it I promise, put it next to the picture of "Peter.")

Your crush ages really well. But he gets married. Yeah not to you. Sorry to break it to you. He marries a soap star. Go tell mom how sad it makes you. Seriously, go tell her right now. If she laughs at you, that is fine. You are really going to miss that someday.

When mom tells you she will buy you the new Bryan White CD if you help her clean the garage, know that the treasure you receive will be time spent with mom, seriously enjoy EVERY moment of it. The CD will not be his best anyway. In fact it is his last for a long time and you won't really like it that much. I think you might even give it to Katy eventually.

You are going to tell your friends you are going to a Bryan White concert. Not because you are really planning on going, but because you want them to think you are cool. Well to be honest they don't really care anyway. But guess what? Mom is planning a surprise to really take you to a Bryan White concert at a fair in Pennsylvania. And she will hear you talking to you friends and think you know about the surprise. So keep your mouth shut. Ugh! Stop trying so hard to be cool. People love you just as you are. Seriously they do.

When you are heading off to the concert and dad stops to get cash and blows a tire. Be kind and patient while they get it repaired. You still get to go and you don't miss the concert. Dad will leave the concert to get you cash so you can buy a concert t-shirt. Tell him thanks. Be grateful for the memory and treasure it. You are going to miss him too.

Today I found this picture on Bryan's Facebook page.

I know your heart is racing right now and you are thinking "Is he LDS? Oh my goodness I have a chance." Umm he isn't and you don't. But there will be a lot of good men in your life in the future. Stop crushing on Dave, Bryan, Gommie, Texas, and the cowboy. Seriously. STOP RIGHT NOW.

Okay here is one more picture.

That is Bryan with your future crush. Your future celebrity crush is running for Vice President and we think he is sexy. When we see this picture today we are VERY happy and so many memories came flooding back. If you could try to hold onto more of those memories for me that would be great.

Me

P.S. Be careful with mom's van when you are driving it through the pasture, back by the trees. It doesn't fit between the trees and the fence post. I promise it doesn't.

My Phone

Last night I was leaving this party and walking back to my car. It was late, between midnight and 1 sometime. Well I look down at my phone and realize it's calling someone. I don't know who it's calling so I panic. I keep trying to hit hang up and it isn't working and I'm saying "NO, NO, NO" really loud. Then I hear someone saying "hello? Hello?" Finally it hangs up but not before I hear someone say something about butt dialing.

So who did I call? I checked, it wasn't a number in my phone. So I checked the ward directory that I had out to find the address for the party. I checked every number on the page. It wasn't one of those numbers. Then I tried the internet on my phone, maybe Dave was looking something up and I accidently hit the number. Nope, he left it on a page with no phone numbers. So I still have no idea who I called last night in the middle of the night just to yell "NO, NO, NO" and then hang up.

If it was you I'm Sorry. Seriously.

Then tonight I was on Facebook on my phone. I kept hitting the back button until it said "friendship requested" well what the heck? I didn't request a friendship. I didn't even know this person who was also named Annie. So again I'm sitting there yelling at my phone like a crazy person "NO, NO, NO!"

Seriously, phone. Stop trying to make me become social with people I don't know.  

A Convo While Up To No Good

A post temple night, semi road trip, adventure of naughtiness.

That I may or may not have been dragged into against my will.

Cam: Pretty sure your mom is coming with us.
Me: Dislike.
Cam: That we are going or that she is coming with us?
Me:That you are making me go and that I know mom is probably all happy about it.
Cam: Well you know she wouldn't want to miss out on this.
Me: I know and if she was alive I would be awake for another hour afterward while I told her all the details about what happened.
Cam: Now she can just come along.
Me: Well if she is coming she gets to sit in the chili seat!

*I don't think mom will mind taking the seat we spilled chili in, because well... she doesn't have a body right now anyway.

Apollo Burger

I had planned on a nice healthy lunch... But somehow I ended up at the wrong exit. Well you know why I was in the neighborhood I figured I could use a little pick me up in the way of an Apollo Burger.

I however, received an extra little pick me up from the man who collected my dollars:

"GIRL... Those earrings! Dang! I bet your husband is at home just waiting for you! Um huh! He is a lucky man!"

I did not tell him there was no lucky man... I didn't want him to apply. I just wanted a burger in bad way.

Thing I Can't Resist

A southern man. Seriously when they call me Miss Annie it kills me every-single-time.

Large sandwiches

ANY kind of Chicken Salad. Seriously.

Big earrings, seriously, like the kind white girls shouldn't wear.

Speeding.

Downton Abbey, My friends all love Bates but I am a Matthew girl myself.

Chickens... I am going to be a crazy chicken lady some day.
But I already mentioned that.

Babies with chubby cheeks and brown eyes.

The Boys of Fall (College football) AND the song by Kenny Chesney. I have it on repeat in my office all afternoon.

Really any song by Eric Church, Lee Brice, Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, and Keith Urban. My boys.... I know they like being my duet partners in my car, and kitchen. I think they do.

Gus... You know from Psych. Is it really not returning until February?

Johnnie from Taste of India in Bountiful  We are besties with him now and when we come in, he treats us to all kinds of goodies, sits at the table with us, and chats about my dating life and India. So mostly India...

Confession

I need to learn to be kind.

Seriously.

But every time I make a new commitment to it I have to deal with a really difficult customer. Let me just say that the old adage that "the customer is always right." Is one of the boldest lies ever told. The customer is almost never right. And if you tell them that, you might even get the privileged of being sworn at.

Or someone raises their hand at church to make that comment that makes you cringe. You know the one about how they are the ultimate fighting champion and how somehow that has to do with the pride cycle? And I can't help but laugh to try to make the awkwardness go away.

Or when someone you know looks just like Sheldon's Girlfriend on the Big Bang Theory and you just HAVE to point that out to the girl sitting next to you.

And if someone has put a huge real life sunflower in her hair, like the size of her head for real. I have to say something. That kind of thing HAS to be acknowledged.

In Stake Conference this weekend they were talking about giving up our favorite sins and I was sitting next to an anonymous friend who said "But I only watch rated R movies in the theater." and I said "But I really like to gossip." Then we agreed to band together in not yet being willing to give up our favorite sins. I also like to speed. But that is a story for another time.

My Personal Dictionary

You know how when you are typing on your phone and it doesn't recognize the word but you hit space anyway it saves it to your phone? Well I found out that you can go into your personal dictionary on your phone and clear those saved "words." Because after awhile you have so many of those special words saved as actual words in your phone that you can send some really awkward text messages. Or messages that make no sense at all.

While cleaning out my personal dictionary this afternoon I cleared out a few choice words:

Words like:
Unwelconet
Slvepee
Sliveraso
Scotter
Robbindz
Stivk
Pardi
Petsinel
Oberstick

What in the world was I trying to type? But at least they are not in there as legit words anymore. Some words in there make me smile because I know Exactly what text message I sent when that word was needed.

Words such as:
Concina
Cowtown
Cuppycake
Formosa
Frenchie
Gassy
Kazoo
Kmarts
Nerdy
Novia
Pokemon
Redneck
Skort
Snotty
Wagstaff
Yodeling

Then there are the words that are uniquely Annie. Either because me or a close friend invented the word, or because it is something the world is not as familiar with as it should be like Winco or the Uintas. These are words I did not delete.

Words like:
5alot
Awk
favs
Huskers
Phillies
Pidge
Schnoozle
Scnuzzle
Swoozle
Sicky
Squish
Uintas
Whateves
Winco
Zacula

A couple of those are actually nicknames I made up for dear friends. Because in my life you haven't been initiated into full friendship if I still call you by your first name.

Now it is your turn to go clean out your phone dictionary. See what kind of words you make up and report back.

It is easy on a Droid, select settings> Language&Keyboard> Touch Input> Personal Dictionary. Easy as pie.

Groceries

I used to have this roommate in college who would FLIP out if the cashier bagged anything on top of, or really in the same bag at all, as her tortillas. She said that if you put anything on them it smashes them and they aren't as good and they might stick together. Because obviously when they were shipped with like a thousand other tortillas stacked on top of them, that probably wouldn't smash them at all.

I never understood why people get upset about the bagging procedure. I mean     it just didn't seem like a big deal. I typically shop at Winco where you bag your own groceries or Smith's and use the self check out. So I haven't had a cashier bag my groceries in a very long time.

Yesterday I was at my favorite cheaper than dirt grocery store, and I was watching the cashier bag my groceries with bewilderment. So befuddled was I, that I stopped on my way to the car and rearranged things. I mean I couldn't handle the way things had been bagged.

leeks, cilantro, chocolate bars.

canned beans, bread, sour cream.

Frozen Potstickers, asparagus, canned tomatoes.

Spaghetti sauce, eggs, red vines.

Jalapenos, floss, frozen chicken.

Does that seem weird to anyone else? Despite the fact that I actually bought candy? It is for the movies and the road trip I am participating in this weekend. And you would buy a lot of chocolate too if you found Kinder bars for a dollar. Oh-My-Goodness! Kinder Bueno bars are my FAVORITE!! I couldn't just let them be smothered by leeks!

I am just saying....

Engagement Pictures

If I see one more HORRIBLE engagement picture I am going to scream! Seriously....

There is a trend among my people... Well two trends really. One is that every stay at home mom fancies herself a professional photographer  The other is that people have the most horrible engagement pictures done by said "Photographers."

If you look like you have a hunch back. If you look like you are scared to touch each other. If you look like you have never kissed before. If you look like you have 9 chins. If you have a branch poking you in the bum. If you took the pictures in your back yard and you can see the cable installer's truck in the background. If you eyes are closed in most of them. If you fiance looks like a creeper. If you look washed out. If you are wearing overalls. You need new pictures.

What is frustrating is that I offer, and I know two other friends who are VERY good, offer to take friends pictures for free just because we like doing it. Some of the worst pictures out there are of couples who have turned us down! I am no professional by any means. But you will at least look in love... and ALIVE.

Seriously call me! Ugh!

Graveyard

Today Joan picked Katy and I up and took us with him to volunteer at St. Vincent's Catholic Community Services. It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again.
Katy got to fulfill her dreams of being a lunch lady and getting to scoop food out onto trays. I was in charge of dispensing ham and yogurt and Joan had some kind of crazy drink he was loading the trays with. The lady across from me in the line, the one giving out glasses of milk, asked after ten minutes if I make men turn gay.
Oh how insightful this fun old lady was! We couldn't get enough of teasing each other. I still don't know how she knew that all the men I love turn out to love boys.   
My favorite part was the man called Graveyard. He was showing us all his home done tattoos and telling us all about the last time he was arrested. He was also bragging about how he finally started taking his meds, and had been taking them consistently for an entire week.
We were so busy scooping out food and laughing with our new friends that I didn't even notice the hours pass. Seriously so fun. Can't wait til next time that I get to hang with Graveyard, and the rest of the St. Vincent crew!
P.S. I can't tell you how hot it is to jump in a man's car and have him turn the REAL country music up loud with the windows down. Thanks Joan! 

A Scary Story

I had just dropped Dave off, it was very late and as I pulled into my driveway I thought "I haven't checked the mail in a few days." So I walked out to the mail box. As I walked back a little stone hit me in the leg. I thought I must have kicked it with my other foot or something. Then a bigger rock hit me in the leg and I thought, probably some neighborhood kids trying to scare people. No big deal. I live in Bountiful, bad things don't happen here.

So I casually, enjoying the crisp fall night, walked back to my apartment. I got to the door not expecting it to be locked. For some reason this time I really struggled with the lock. I stood there fiddling with it trying to figure out why the key wouldn't fit in the lock.

In my frustration I turned my head and saw a large man just standing just behind me. I didn't stop long enough to look again or very well at all. My key instantly slid into the lock and I slipped into the house and bolted the door. Dave told me to call the police. "At least have someone drive by and look around." But I didn't want to because I was worried that maybe there hadn't been anyone there and my imagination was just running away with me. You know another flashlight man.... Then I told my roommate because she was due home any second to at least have her boyfriend bring her home. When he did bring her home he looked around. There was solid evidence that someone had been camped out in the trees by my mailbox.

Dave told me again, to call the police.

I did not call the police.

Dave said "Please call the police."

I did not call the police.

A few nights later I pulled into my driveway late at night again and got out of my car, once again enjoying the brisk fall evening. Then I heard "Run."

So I ran into the house and bolted the door.

And told Dave...

"Call the Police."

I did not call the police.

"Call the Police. They can drive by a few times tonight just to check the house."

I never saw anything though. What am I suppose to say when I call?
"Ummm hi, I was walking into my house tonight and felt kind of creeped out?"
Not happening.

"Call the police."

I did not call the police.

THE END

Chickens and Other Poultry

I hate birds. I am scared of them. I think they are diseased. This may stem from there being an abandoned pigeon house on the property my parents owned growing up. While Katy and I were adventuring we would frequently run in there to hide from monsters. There were old bird skeletons and crusty wings.... yuck, yuck, yuck.  

Except that I LOVE chickens!!! (That felt like a 3! statement) Really any kind of poultry. Ducks, geese, etc. There was a chicken in our yard the other day and I caught it and held it and squeezed it and made Leah pet her too. Se was so sweet and soft! I hope she wanders into our yard again soon! 

Have I ever mentioned before that growing up we had pet geese named Mulder and Scully? Well we did and I loved them too! Katy and I used to set a very tricky trap for them.. Wait til you hear how clever we were... We took this old piece of scrap metal and covered it in mud. Really thick mud, then we covered that with a bunch of sticks and leaves and things. Then we put the piece of metal on top of a rock in the creek. The idea was the geese would try to cross the creek by walking across the rocks and when they got to our disguised piece of metal they would step on it and it would slide off the rock and the geese would fall into the creek! Ha! Even if it had worked, for some odd reason, the result would simply be geese in water. Oh no! Poor geese! How naughty we were! 

Oh and we had a turkey named Barney that Katy and I used to ride around the yard until he became thanksgiving dinner, or at least half of him did. He was too big to fit in the oven whole, so my parents cut him in half!

Today there was a decapitated bird in our parking lot at work and the warehouse manager went and scooped it up and I could barely function in my office for like 20 minutes because I was just thinking about a bird. Sick... Sick... Sick...

Did I mention I love chickens? Because I do!


Like a lot! I can be the crazy chicken lady! Because believe me those exist!

I just laughed out loud when I remembered how my mom was president of the local chicken club! Oh how I realize more and more just how much like that woman I am!

A Convo With a Bestie

Him: Where could I get an STD if I needed one?..

Me: UMM I don't know... Pioneer Park, just sit on the grass probably.

Him: Umm.. what did you think I just asked you?

Me: What DID you just ask me?

Him: What I should be for Halloween.
Me: OH. I don't know.  Not a monkey this time.

The Flashlight Man...

There are three eternal truth that the missionaries copied down for my mom once.

1. When metal is red, it is hot. DON'T touch it.
2. Don't catch falling chainsaws.
3. ....

Three comes from this story, I was about 16.

For a few nights in a row I had seen a light bobbing around our backyard. I was sure someone was sneaking around our yard with a flashlight. I was nervous but my Dad had had assured me that everything was fine and it was just my imagination.

Then my dad left for scout camp with the boys and Katy said she had seen the same thing. Still, my dad had assured me there was nothing to worry about. Probably just a light reflecting off the pool making it look like it was moving.

But then I heard someone in the garage. Now I will admit that I have a very active imagination. But I could hear that someone was in the garage. Someone large. Because I could hear large things being picked up and moved around. I heard something fall off the wall and then heard a deep sigh. No actual words but certainly a voice. It wasn't a happy voice either. The sigh turned to a frustrated kind of grunt and Katy and I were scared.

Mom was home, but I believe had just had Logan and was upstairs sleeping as most new moms do. We went and woke her up, had her listen, and she also heard the noises. Katy and I gun in hand, I am not making this stuff up, headed back downstairs to call the police. Once I was back downstairs an idea came to me. My dog hadn't barked. Not even once. She was very protective of us and would bark her head off when any stranger approached the house. Odd, I thought. So What I decided to do was stand behind the door, open it and let the dog look out. I opened the door, Yogi looked out and stared... nothing.

So I opened the door and looked out. One of our cows was in the garage. Dad had emptied the van of the feed he had purchased and left it in the garage in his hurry to take off for camp. The cow had gotten out, found the bag of feed and had been eating out of it while also pushing it across the garage floor.

So number three is "Remember that the flashlight man was only a cow."

I find myself frequently in flashlight man situations. Situations where the threat I feel is an imagined one. Or that I have myself so worked up about something that I can no longer see the situation clearly. Fortunately I have been blessed to have many watch dogs in my life to warn me when something is truly amiss, or calm my fears when it is just a cow.

That's right I just called you all Dogs and Cows... and you like it.