Today I had to take my dog to the vet. She hasn't eaten since Thursday and I was really worried about her. I dropped her off and thought I would be just fine. But when they picked her up and took her off into the back I burst out into tears. I couldn't believe I had to leave her when I knew she would hurt and that I couldn't be there for her.
Maybe I am just extra sensitive today. About this time of day four years ago I was at work. I was having a marvelous day and only had a few hours of work left when I picked up my cell phone and realized I had something like 14 missed calls from home.
The voice mails where from my dad. How odd. He doesn't call.
Life changed in a matter of seconds.
Some people aren't anniversary people. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't needed to talk to mom so bad about my dog last night. I am an anniversary person. I spent the day completely reliving all of it. No matter how hard I try to think of other things I can't help but relive that day over and over again in my head.
A few weeks before mom died she was out visiting me in Utah and she lost a baby that we had all been so excited about. I sat with her that night while she kept saying over and over "I just want your daddy." One of the hardest things for me about imagining the crash in my mind is that I am sure that was the first thought that went through her mind. I know that in the few seconds of life she had left she thought to herself maybe even said out loud... "I just want your daddy."
Then she had to leave. She had to walk away from all of us. I couldn't help but think of that when I walked away from my puppy this afternoon. Even though I know it isn't even close to how she felt... having no choice but to leave us in the care of others.
Fortunately we have been told that mom has seen how our lives will turn out and that she is excited about it. I am sure that she wouldn't have left without knowing we would be okay. I am also sure a loving Heavenly Father wouldn't have asked her to do it without giving her some assurance that we would be okay.
Mom, we are okay. I almost feel guilty that I am as okay as I am. I know you already know that because I know that you are still involved in my life. You've seen my life and are excited about it. I hope that includes meeting a man I love and need as much as you do my daddy. Remember how I was promised I would be best friends with my parents throughout the eternities? I know that is true and I look forward to it. In the mean time if you could watch over my pupppy for me today...