To My Michelle

Sometime you just love people so hard it hurts.

When Michelle decided to move to Utah immediately following High School and I had to wait until September and then attend different schools I SOBBED. I felt robbed, but it was the right thing for her and I am sure for me as well.

We never knew giggling, and laughing, and whispering about boys, the heartache we would both know in our futures. Since that time we have both dealt with tragedy. For her, it was the loss of her little boy very suddenly due to illness when he was 14 months old. As her little boy Sawyer is now approaching that same age she is having a very hard time. She posted recently on her blog apologizing for her grief and again talking about The Savior. Reading both I have I cried right along with her.

I was going to simply post this as a comment but I feel it is something we all need to hear. No one ever knows what to do or say to those who are grieving. Often words only make things worse. Maybe some of what she has written will help us all understand how to mourn with those who mourn.

Michelle,

I still cry. I still feel pain. I frequently feel as if others are judging me for not letting go. When others talk about the atonement taking ALL of their pain away I wonder what is wrong with me. Then I find I am angry because how dare they think it is as simple as that. Then I feel pity for them. They must not have known love like I have. I still have days when it is hard to get in my car, because what if I am next? I still panic when I have more than one missed call from home. What if I call back and my life changes in an instant again? What if next time the pain is too hard to bear? To let go of all the pain of missing her would be to let go of all the memories. To let go of the relationship that is eternal and I am still in such desperate need of. It is okay to hurt and to cry because it means you still love. It means our loved ones are not forgotten. For me when I miss my mom so bad that it brings tears it isn't because I don't believe in eternal families it is simply because I MISS HER. People talk of her being a part of our daily life still and that is great, and I am certain she is. But I don't get to be active participant in that relationship anymore. Has the Atonement healed me? Certainly, but I still feel a great loss. I take comfort not just in the example you have given of the Savior, but also in remembering the words and tears of President Hinckley in October General Conference as he talked of his recently departed wife. Or in my favorite talk of all time by Elder Wirthlin when he describes his own grief as "those days when the Universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie scattered about us in pieces. We will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again." Never feel bad for grieving. Because to grieve is simply to love. Even those we look up to the most have tears and sadness at the memory of loved ones. Keep loving Michelle and with time you will be able to breathe again. In the mean time know that I pray for you and grieve with you.