So today when I left work to grab a burrito... (I honestly needed one more than I really needed air at that point) ... The wind hit me and I was instantly homesick. Not the kind of homesick where you can call home or visit and feel better. I realized that was I was really homesick for was a long talk with my mom.
At first when we lost her what surprised me most was how easily life went back to being "normal" without her. I felt guilty all the time that an entire day would go by and I hadn't thought about her. I would feel awful that I had gone out with friends and had a good time. I felt like I was a bad daughter or something or that I was simply moving on too soon. Today, I caught myself feeling guilty that I think about her too much.
We are only weeks away from the 4 year mark. Holy crap some days it feels like she was almost never there. Other days it stings way down in the most tender part of who you are and you have to stop and catch your breath.
There are just things I want to tell her. Not even important things. Things I want her to be excited about like how much I love the paint in my new house, or that I get to get a puppy, or that I found the perfect pair of pants at the store the other day and they were on sale! I want her to listen to the new sugarland CD. I know she would totally heart it. I wonder how she would screw up the lyrics. Because she would and she would do it loud and without shame.
I know she watches us and is proud of us but I want to talk to her about how happy it makes me that Jake is doing so well on his mission. I want her to help me tease Jarom about how many of the ladies love him. I want her to be awed with me at how fast her baby boy is growing up. I want her to give me a hard time about not being married. I know she loves my friends but I want to talk to her about them. I want her to be able to tease them like she did all my friends before. I want them to have the opportunity to know and love her like others have. I wasn't always a fan of how my friends seemed to like her better than me (even boyfriends) but I wish she was here to do it now.
I miss you mom. I can't wait for the good times to come on the other side. For me it will be a lifetime before we get to hang out and make each other laugh, for you it will be an instant. For both of us it will be before we know it!