For Charlie

I spent some time today shopping for a baby gift for a client. I was in and out of high end baby boutiques where everything is so soft, and small, and adorable. I was so completely caught up in how lovely everything was. For a moment or two it was fun and I was blissfully happy in that world. Then I got back to my office and packed it all up, so fresh and bright, and sent it off to our client who recently added one more baby girl to their family. Then I sat alone in my quiet office for awhile and I remembered that babies are not my world. Not even a little bit. I live a life that revolves around me and really no one else. I go to work and the gym, and I “do lunch.” I listen to podcasts about scientific discoveries, and social psychology to drown out the quiet at work. I send inappropriate texts to Zacula, mixed with ones that tell him my heart is breaking.

I kind of like being single. It is nice to have so much time for me and also I really like naps…. and nachos.  But what I realized today is that maybe I have been poisoning my own mind. You see I recognize that from the day I was organized I have been destined to be a mother. And every part of my soul longs for that. But as each year passes and I spend more of my days alone in an office, my self talk changes. You see it has to change in order to keep my heart from falling apart. Where my self talk used to be “I can’t wait for…” and “when…” it has changed flavors and become “Having babies feels hard and like I’ll be tired for the rest of my life“ or things like “maybe that’s not something I really want…” because if I believe that the longing hurts less. But worst of all were the echos in my head today of “maybe I can do more good elsewhere…” and don’t forget “But I really like napping.”

It feels important that I remind myself this afternoon, that I do have great potential for good. More I think than I am ready to admit. But there is no place I can have a greater influence than in my own home with my own babies.

I like to ask myself what have you done for Charlie this week? Have you gained knowledge? Grown closer to your savior? Been a little more patient? Met his Dad? Ha. But today the most important thing I do for Charlie might just be that I don’t give up on us. 

The Boss Knows Best

So he's back?!

Yeah

Did he call?

No, I called him.

Why?

Greg told me to.

You know he is only the boss at work right? You don't have to do what he says in your personal life.

But he's a very wise man. And I thought he'd know better than me.

*My boss men, Phil and Greg, make my life better in all the ways.

It's a Constant Battle

This is me in 1st grade. There are so many things I would like to say to her. But lets make a quick list and move on to the heart of this post:

*Your parents are the greatest, seriously.
*Be nicer to your siblings. They are your whole world these days.
*Future Annie wishes you spent more time riding your horse.
*Stop worrying about fitting in. Someday you will love that you stand out.
*Never combine two ramen flavors in the same pot.
*You will get better at math, Seriously, you test out of it in college!
*There are worse things that having Volcano Cookies for the FHE treat every week.

Current me for reference

You didn't turn out so bad...

Ok and future me.  Just so we can picture it in our heads.

Future me will have knitted that sweater the cat is wearing... and the one she is wearing. Ha! You will want to be friends with future Annie, she will knit you all the things. You will just have to clean the cat hair off it. (I'm kidding, I better have a sexy cowboy husband and so many adorably fat babies that I am overwhelmed everyday in the VERY near future.) Please Bless.

Now to the point of the post.

Current Annie is constantly in a fight with Past Annie, because Current Annie frequently takes no thought for Future Annie. I don't mean things like savings and retirement plans. I've got that covered. I mean things like the following:

"Annie did you get that modified report sent off to the lender in Texas?"
"Nope they wired us the money so I figured I wouldn't worry about it unless they asked again."

Interpret that as Future Annie can deal with it, I don't wanna.

Sometimes current Annie has the notion that she might like to leave a message for Future Annie "Um don't get the large combo at Chick-Fil-A! A small is more than enough and leaves you wanting more. A large makes you hate your life... and your pants. Please remember this." Future Annie never remembers. She just thinks "CHICK-FIL-A!" She thinks similar things at Moochies, and Feldmen's Deli, and anywhere they are serving food from a cart.

I am working on this concept. Taking thought for future Annie. I am sure Future Annie has somethings she would like to discuss with us. Until then I have to work on the idea that all three Annie's mentioned are the same person. The same being making her way through time.

Current Annie needs to work on being kinder to Future Annie, I will concede this. But Current Annie also needs to work on being kinder to Past Annie. She really tried so hard to be good, and make wise decisions with the knowledge she had. Current Annie looks back and is embarrassed by the things Past Annie thought, and did, and fell in love with. But she is part of what you are today. Embrace her. She only ever wanted to be loved.