I am certainly not an only child. There are 7 more of me. My poor Father, and one is only a month or so old so Dad won't get to pretend to be childless for another 19 years or so.
But like you are missing 5-10 siblings, I am missing one mom.
And people tell you all the time that they will be a stand in, that they can be a pinch hitter, and they have the best of intentions, and they do and they are fantastic. But they always have their own kids, and they come first. And when it really comes down to it when a boy breaks my heart I just can't tell them about it, and I can't show them my weakness. And my dad certainly doesn't want to hear about it. He tries, he really does he is adorable, but at the end of the day he is a man, which I love, but he can't be my mom. No one can be MY mom. It seems the more people try to be a substitute mom the more I just want mine. Like traveling, other people live in great places and I am happy there but I just want to be home in MY house, no matter how fantastic other places are.
I found this the other day and love it. Because it is something I have had to learn, and it is a tough lesson.
So I tell myself that maybe someday I will marry a man with an amazing mom who loves me like one of her girls. It is likely, I tell myself because I ALWAYS hit it off with the parents. But what happens when my dreamboat has a mom who hates me? Or she has a million of her own girls who need attention and love and she doesn't realize how badly I need her to be a substitute mommy for me? And will she realize she is the only grandma my kiddos have and that Charlie needs to be SMOTHERED in grandma kisses as often as possible?
I find that my willingness to do or be anything someone needs me to be leaves me feeling drained because I have yet to find that someone who is willing to be all those things for me. Someday there will be someone who loves us and makes us feel more complete. But if we expect any one person to fill that hole, even our dreamboat, they will always fall short because no one can be that something you are missing but that someone you are missing. And neither of us have the ability to have that someone while on this Earth.
And some days it just sucks.
If you need to talk, I will listen.
Beautiful post. Thanks for the insight and quotes. I'm going through my own issues right now, and you've helped me. You're an amazing woman, Annie!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, Annie. I've actually read over it a couple times in the last two days--
ReplyDeleteI still don't know how I want to respond, other than to thank you.
I read your posts about your mom and think the same thing. It's so comforting to me to know that the Lord will compensate the faithful for every loss. I just have to remain among "the faithful."
I also think it's interesting how often we focus on the way we perceive things in others' lives without a grasp on the reality of it. I crave siblings, but many who have siblings don't have great relationships with them, anyway. So, what I cr ave is my own ideal. But isn't that what we all crave? You miss your mom. That breaks my heart. But then, my relationship with my mom isn't what you described. I could never talk to her about breakups or girl drama. I can relate so much to what you say about giving and expecting some sort of compensation. It's not really an expectation--but it'd be NICE! Anyway. I'm rambling and aren't these "comments" supposed to be kinda short?
Whatev.
Thanks.
We should totally keep chatting. I like this. :)