Me: So I was Facebook stalking you and realized we share a common friend.
G: Oh really? Who?
Me: *** but we call him The Phantom. How do you know him?
G: He was in my ward once. How do you know him?
Me: I have a crush on him!
G: Very good, I approve. You know the first time I met him we were carving pumpkins and everyone had their little carving knife out. But he busted out a drill and started going to town on that pumpkin. He carved Superman in it.
Me: Why is this man not my best friend?
Wednesday
Tuesday
I Choose to be Offended
Aunt : I was wondering if you could come visit this afternoon.
Me: Probably not today, but maybe I could stop by tomorrow sometime.
A:Well I want you to meet a boy.
M: I don't want to.
A: Well he is a very nice boy, and I really like his family.
M: The problem is Aunt S, that you like EVERYONE, and I like hardly anyone.
A: Oh well that isn't true.... is it?
M: Tell me about this guy.
A: Well if I had to guess I would say he is probably REAL good at computers.
M: *Pause* Maybe I can get my roommate or a friend or someone to come with me to make it less awkward.
A: Well whatever you need to make it less awkward dear.
My roommate, who was totally available, refused to go with me and left the house to avoid having me ask her about it. I had to go it alone. I tried so hard to get out of it. But my aunt is too nice to be mean to.
Have you ever had someone set you up on a date and when they show up you are kind of offended that someone who claims to know you well thought you would be a good match? Well he showed up, he was about 5ft, long unkempt beard. He was wearing a red Shopko uniform polo shirt, he doesn't work at Shopko, he just thought that was a good look. She was also wearing white, falling apart, velcro shoes. Oh and he was really good at computers.
I spent the whole time teasing my aunt about how much she wants me to repent. I had my aunt in stitches and the young man thinking I was a degenerate for sure. My uncle fell asleep and would occasionally wake up to insert his agreement that I repent.
I am not opposed to the set up. But maybe I could set a few guidelines.
*Good hygiene, including clean clothes
*Some sense of humor
*A job
*LDS
* Ability to live independently. He can live at home to save money, I mean someone who has the physical ability to live alone.
Please bless I can have at least these things. That's a fair request right? Why does my Auntie like to set me up with people who don't meet these qualifications?
Me: Probably not today, but maybe I could stop by tomorrow sometime.
A:Well I want you to meet a boy.
M: I don't want to.
A: Well he is a very nice boy, and I really like his family.
M: The problem is Aunt S, that you like EVERYONE, and I like hardly anyone.
A: Oh well that isn't true.... is it?
M: Tell me about this guy.
A: Well if I had to guess I would say he is probably REAL good at computers.
M: *Pause* Maybe I can get my roommate or a friend or someone to come with me to make it less awkward.
A: Well whatever you need to make it less awkward dear.
My roommate, who was totally available, refused to go with me and left the house to avoid having me ask her about it. I had to go it alone. I tried so hard to get out of it. But my aunt is too nice to be mean to.
Have you ever had someone set you up on a date and when they show up you are kind of offended that someone who claims to know you well thought you would be a good match? Well he showed up, he was about 5ft, long unkempt beard. He was wearing a red Shopko uniform polo shirt, he doesn't work at Shopko, he just thought that was a good look. She was also wearing white, falling apart, velcro shoes. Oh and he was really good at computers.
I spent the whole time teasing my aunt about how much she wants me to repent. I had my aunt in stitches and the young man thinking I was a degenerate for sure. My uncle fell asleep and would occasionally wake up to insert his agreement that I repent.
I am not opposed to the set up. But maybe I could set a few guidelines.
*Good hygiene, including clean clothes
*Some sense of humor
*A job
*LDS
* Ability to live independently. He can live at home to save money, I mean someone who has the physical ability to live alone.
Please bless I can have at least these things. That's a fair request right? Why does my Auntie like to set me up with people who don't meet these qualifications?
Friday
You Are Not Dying
You know how if you have a weird pain in you arm or side or something and you WebMD it you always find out you have cancer and are dying? Scary...
Well growing up I had the opposite, which I was reminded of when I came across this article today discussing an outbreak of hantavirus.
You see when I was a child and would complain about something hurting, and my mom knew it was nothing, she would tell me that I probably had hantavirus and then laugh and laugh at me. Sometime I would be mad, sometimes I would whine that it really did hurt, and sometimes I would laugh too.
Make no mistake however my dear sister would always laugh at me.
I miss my crazy mom.
Well growing up I had the opposite, which I was reminded of when I came across this article today discussing an outbreak of hantavirus.
You see when I was a child and would complain about something hurting, and my mom knew it was nothing, she would tell me that I probably had hantavirus and then laugh and laugh at me. Sometime I would be mad, sometimes I would whine that it really did hurt, and sometimes I would laugh too.
Make no mistake however my dear sister would always laugh at me.
I miss my crazy mom.
Thursday
A Gem or Two For You
I love to watch the news. I have been watching a lot of RNC coverage, In the process I have come across a few other stories that make me laugh and feel total disgust for the people I share this planet with.
There are more but for the sake of time I will share my three favorites from this morning.
There was a corn vendor in North Ogden yesterday who accidentally shot himself in the back so he told police he was robbed and shot. How in the world does one accidentally shoot themselves in the back? A foot maybe. And then to top it off by calling it into the cops so as to hide your embarrassment... Which do you think seems more embarrassing?
Or closer to home, in Grand Island the schools are trying to make a 3 year old deaf boy change the sign for his name because it resembles a weapon. Are you kidding me?You want him to change his name! He is three!
And I hope you didn't miss the story about the man in Indiana who flipped off the LDS missionaries, then while distracted, ran his car up a pole and rolled it. Apparently he was struggling to flip off the missionaries, while not dropping his cigarette, and steering his car.
There are more but for the sake of time I will share my three favorites from this morning.
There was a corn vendor in North Ogden yesterday who accidentally shot himself in the back so he told police he was robbed and shot. How in the world does one accidentally shoot themselves in the back? A foot maybe. And then to top it off by calling it into the cops so as to hide your embarrassment... Which do you think seems more embarrassing?
Or closer to home, in Grand Island the schools are trying to make a 3 year old deaf boy change the sign for his name because it resembles a weapon. Are you kidding me?You want him to change his name! He is three!
And I hope you didn't miss the story about the man in Indiana who flipped off the LDS missionaries, then while distracted, ran his car up a pole and rolled it. Apparently he was struggling to flip off the missionaries, while not dropping his cigarette, and steering his car.
Wednesday
The Best Wife Ever!
"I have the BEST wife ever! She bought me tickets for Superman this weekend!."
"I seriously have the most awesome wife in the world. This morning she made me pancakes."
Seriously?! These are for real facebook posts from people I really know. Do these things really make you the best wife ever? I can buy Superman tickets. It is super easy and they don't cost that much. I mean I bought movie tickets just this last weekend.
Pancakes? I am giving ten to one odds that they were from a mix and someone just added water. You know what I had for breakfast? I had eggs blackstone. It is like eggs Benedict but with spinach and tomatoes. And I made the hollandaise from scratch. Yesterday I made an omelet with feta cheese and fresh veggies. Ummm... On a weekday, before work, while dancing. Did I ever tell you I make my own syrup? Okay just sayin....
The fitted sheet thing I am not even going to comment on. Okay I will. I was trying to avoid it though because I don't even fold fitted sheets. Okay I concede that maybe I won't be the BEST WIFE EVER! I use the Drew method of folding fitted sheets which basically means I twirl them around in my arms until it forms a nice crumpled lump and shove it in the closet. I do fold towels though.
I mean maybe it is really great that these men are so grateful for the little things. But every time it leaves me thinking that if those things make for a fabulous wife, why am I still on the market? If guys are looking for girls with skills, I got em'. Well maybe not computer hacking skills... but I know people.
My Skills:
I can buy movie tickets
I can buy concert tickets
I can grocery shop
I can pretend to play the guitar, while dancing
I paint
Sculpt
I can order take out
I can pick up the take out
I can cook you something better at home
I can drive a mini van
I know where we keep the extra rolls of toilet paper
I can find the mustard in the fridge.
I know all the words to Saturday's Warrior
and every Keith Urban song.
I can knit the heck out of some yarn
I can do a Jersey accent
I can keep my office plant alive
I can run for almost an entire mile
I can text without looking
Make a mean cup of herbal tea
Get free things with a wink
I can make ANYONE laugh
I can punch like a boy
I have my own car
I can sing off key
"I could not love my wife more. This weekend she taught me how to fold a fitted sheet."
"I seriously have the most awesome wife in the world. This morning she made me pancakes."
Seriously?! These are for real facebook posts from people I really know. Do these things really make you the best wife ever? I can buy Superman tickets. It is super easy and they don't cost that much. I mean I bought movie tickets just this last weekend.
Pancakes? I am giving ten to one odds that they were from a mix and someone just added water. You know what I had for breakfast? I had eggs blackstone. It is like eggs Benedict but with spinach and tomatoes. And I made the hollandaise from scratch. Yesterday I made an omelet with feta cheese and fresh veggies. Ummm... On a weekday, before work, while dancing. Did I ever tell you I make my own syrup? Okay just sayin....
The fitted sheet thing I am not even going to comment on. Okay I will. I was trying to avoid it though because I don't even fold fitted sheets. Okay I concede that maybe I won't be the BEST WIFE EVER! I use the Drew method of folding fitted sheets which basically means I twirl them around in my arms until it forms a nice crumpled lump and shove it in the closet. I do fold towels though.
I mean maybe it is really great that these men are so grateful for the little things. But every time it leaves me thinking that if those things make for a fabulous wife, why am I still on the market? If guys are looking for girls with skills, I got em'. Well maybe not computer hacking skills... but I know people.
My Skills:
I can buy movie tickets
I can buy concert tickets
I can grocery shop
I can pretend to play the guitar, while dancing
I paint
Sculpt
I can order take out
I can pick up the take out
I can cook you something better at home
I can drive a mini van
I know where we keep the extra rolls of toilet paper
I can find the mustard in the fridge.
I know all the words to Saturday's Warrior
and every Keith Urban song.
I can knit the heck out of some yarn
I can do a Jersey accent
I can keep my office plant alive
I can run for almost an entire mile
I can text without looking
Make a mean cup of herbal tea
Get free things with a wink
I can make ANYONE laugh
I can punch like a boy
I have my own car
I can sing off key
I tell a great bedtime story
I love spicy food
I can make pancakes
Waffles
Crepes
Spanish Omelets.
I actually have some other skills too. You know ones that matter. Ones that might actually make me a pretty great wife. But I better not give too much away at once. I don't want to price myself out of the market.
I love spicy food
I can make pancakes
Waffles
Crepes
Spanish Omelets.
I actually have some other skills too. You know ones that matter. Ones that might actually make me a pretty great wife. But I better not give too much away at once. I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Tuesday
Dear Snubs,
Maybe it didn't mean that much to you, but thanks for dinner. Thanks for still being able to order for me after all this time. Thanks for making me laugh like no one else can. Thanks for being brutally honest with me even when it might hurt. Thanks for understanding my heart. Thanks for loving me even though I am a Mormon *gasp*. Thanks for agreeing to go to Chick-fil-a with me, as long as I pay. Thanks for being able to offer a sincere apology and admit when you have been a word I don't say. Thanks for being my "fiance."
S: Annie If I die and I find out that you are right, and I still exist, I still plan on marrying you.
A: Well I am right and you will, but I don't plan on being available.
S: If any part of me, in anyway is alive, if I have any consciousness at all, it is yours.
A: It makes me happy that even if only the tiniest shred of what is you still exists, even that tiny little part will still want to be with me.
Thanks for letting me dislike 'the other girl.' Thanks for finding it a little attractive when I get jealous. Thanks for taking it in stride when that kid openly hit on you and I got ticked. Thanks for being sexy. Thanks for being more than my gay friend. Thanks for being one of the best. Thanks for changing me for the better. Thanks for caring about what I am going through. Thanks for letting me hit on your Dad. Thanks for being okay with me blogging about us. You like it!
Thanks for being MY very own Snubs!
S: Annie If I die and I find out that you are right, and I still exist, I still plan on marrying you.
A: Well I am right and you will, but I don't plan on being available.
S: If any part of me, in anyway is alive, if I have any consciousness at all, it is yours.
A: It makes me happy that even if only the tiniest shred of what is you still exists, even that tiny little part will still want to be with me.
Thanks for letting me dislike 'the other girl.' Thanks for finding it a little attractive when I get jealous. Thanks for taking it in stride when that kid openly hit on you and I got ticked. Thanks for being sexy. Thanks for being more than my gay friend. Thanks for being one of the best. Thanks for changing me for the better. Thanks for caring about what I am going through. Thanks for letting me hit on your Dad. Thanks for being okay with me blogging about us. You like it!
Thanks for being MY very own Snubs!
Wednesday
Confession
I am the chubbiest of my entire life.
And I have never liked the way I look more than I do now.
I realize that in a few months I will be thirty.
While that kind of makes me panic.
I like to think I am pretty.
I am never going to be 16 again.
Thank goodness!
If, with age comes beauty,
and I find that I grow up to look just like my mom.
I will be thrilled.
And just like her....
I don't plan to stop acting 16 anytime soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)